Response: Nice Guys Finish Last

by with 10 Comments CultureFeaturedGen Z
[Article: Nice Guys Finish Last]

The real issue that I have with this article is the author’s insistence on enforcing gender binaries, Darwinism, and using anecdotal experiences with women to support his argument on why “Nice Guys Finish Last.” The author provides very little evidence to back his theory on why “Nice Guys Finish Last” in general. The author continually exploits the women in his life as weak and confused beings that are intrinsically drawn to men or masculinity, and by not choosing others, are therefore examples of how “Nice Guys Finish Last.”

Another, even more problematic aspect of this article is that the author assumes that the sexual relationships these women partook in were consensual, when he has no right to speak on their behalf. He flip-flops between blaming women for their own sexual objectification or assault by way of Darwinism, but then preaches support and love for these same women. He admits…

“I’m not victim blaming, I’m not excusing any men for their behavior, and I’m not taking an inch away from the #MeToo movement that is so sorely needed to advance our species forward. BUT I am asking that for every father that must educate his son on how to properly treat another woman (or man), there must also be a mother who teaches her daughter how to properly treat or react to another man (or woman) such that the wrong behavior is not accepted or tolerated.”

This quote is a transparent example of his lack of understanding of these complex issues, his trans exclusionary rhetoric, and his belief that there are only two genders, woman or man. At the end of his article, he is asking women and “mothers” to be more proactive in endorsing “better men.” In essence, this strikes me as utterly hypocritical. This particular man is claiming that because he is a “nice” heterosexual, cisgendered man that he should be rewarded for treating women with respect. Overall, I believe that his argument is incredibly flawed and feels defensive. If this man truly cared about the women in his life, he would take responsibility and lift up these women’s voices instead of asking them to fix the oppressive systems that they did not construct.

I think at the end of the day his own misogynistic ideology, lack of responsibility for his own actions, and complete lack of understanding for what the #MeToo movement serves to address, makes his understanding of women and what embodies respect, subpar.

Nice Guys Finish Last

by with 3 Comments CultureFeatured

The #metoo movement is neglecting something in their current crusade:

Historically, nice guys finish last.

The men that the #metoo women endorse: the kind, patient, never aggressive, never instigating, never accosting, never touching without permission, always considerate type of man… he is often taught (by WOMEN) that he is a loser in the race to naturally select, procreate, find a mate, and… get laid!

In my own life, I remember three separate occasions when my “nice guy” approach lost to the complete antithesis of the #metoo movement.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never made an inappropriate advance on a woman. It’s mostly because I have a low sex drive/libido and my Mother was violently insistent on treating women with respect and NOT having sex until marriage (I still did, mind you, but it always took weeks if not months after the first kiss… I was very “slow”).

But I remember the girl I fell for in 8th Grade kind of liked me and almost agreed to “go with me” (my only tactic being polite, respectful conversation over the course of 6 months). That is until the hot, cool guy made a move on her and, without hesitation, she consented to a sex act in the computer room. A week earlier, she had FINALLY agreed to dance with me at the school dance for the greatest three minutes of my adolescence.

I was heartbroken. My most aggressive intention was a kiss. Holding hands would have been pure bliss. But she was overwhelmed by confidence, good looks, and Darwinian impulses that brought her in an instant to her first sexual activity with a boy who she had never really gotten to know and who cared nothing for her… but he was a really popular, handsome, confident guy.

I don’t blame her. I could have been more confident at that age and yet still a gentleman. I was kind of a wimp in 8th Grade and wimpiness is not attractive. I once overheard a girl say “I don’t know how any girl would ever find him attractive. He’s such a loser.” I was nice, but weak. For some reason, strong guys are often assholes, but sexual impulses are millions of years old. Our bodies demand that we pursue the mate that will give our offspring the best genes and greatest chance of survival. Historically, that means the strongest, bravest, and most confident.

Anyhow, in high school, I “courted” a girl for two years. My heart belonged to her and she really seemed to like me, but that didn’t stop her from giving a blowjob to the confident guy that could dance better than me and was über machismo. They started dating. After he cheated on her, she asked me to prom and we dated for two years. It was a really great relationship and I learned not to be jealous of a girl, more accurately a woman, who was just figuring out what she liked.

In college, the girl I liked more than anyone I’d met in my life kept me in the friend zone for eight years before we dated. In that time, she was raped once and date raped twice while drunk by really confident, fun guy-friends whom she had trusted. It was heartbreaking.

I thought I was the perfect guy in regard to behavior, respect, boundaries, and patience. I was almost NEVER rewarded for my good behavior until I married my wife: the most perfect woman I have ever met who lets me know each day how much she appreciates the way I treat and respect her.

But I was playing the long game and I won. How many men lost in this approach? How many men lost time and again to “cavemen” like these current sex offenders in politics and entertainment that are going down in flames?

If there are awful men who still adhere to aggressive, inconsiderate, animal-kingdom norms in pursuit of finding a sexual mate, there are surely awful women as well who have encouraged their behavior.

I’m not victim blaming, I’m not excusing any men for their behavior, and I’m not taking an inch away from the #metoo movement that is so sorely needed to advance our species forward. But I am asking that for every father that must educate his son on how to properly treat another woman (or man), there must also be a mother who teaches her daughter how to properly treat or react to another man (or woman) such that the wrong behavior is not accepted or tolerated.

Young women, if properly educated, can help shape the behavior of young men by only reacting positively to the behavior that #metoo wishes to propagate. Otherwise, who will the young men believe? The adults telling them to act with respect and empathy? Or the beautiful young lady who only gratifies the romantic desires of machismo, caveman aggressors?

In short, behavior is formed in our adolescence. Ladies, it would help us gentlemen if you would please do your part in endorsing better men so that only the best behavior is accepted and continued.

Continue the discussion: Contributor Response

The (White) Women’s March

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This past weekend, on the anniversary of Donald Trump’s inauguration, people from all walks of life gathered in the streets to bring awareness to sexism, sexual assault, misogyny, reproductive rights, and feminism, as well as celebrate equality and the power of women’s (and allies’) voices in this nation. Seeing people all over the country take to the streets for a second year in a row to protest our current administration and its policies as well as celebrate the power of women, is a welcomed resistance against the current and historic oppressions facing women and other marginalized communities.

However, the marginalization and alienation that The Women’s March and resurgence of the feminist movement exist to fight, lives within these movements. Even in a collective, all our voices are not heard. The traditionally marginalized voices of women of color and POC members of the LGBTQ+ community are still muffled, if not ignored all together.

True progress comes when black women’s issues are women’s issues, when trans issues are women’s issues, and when having a seat at the table is more than a token appearance, but an investment in the thoughts and minds of those who are different from yourself.

The feminist movement historically and notoriously ignores intersectionality, and has never been inclusive of all groups, making it a somewhat problematic movement. That is not to say its problematic nature invalidates its main goal of equality. The Women’s March and the feminist movement are making progress in society, but not progress for everyone. The change being made is positive, but as a society, we’ve still got a long way to go.

Is Sexism Inevitable?

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Cat-calling. Body shaming. Objectification. Anti-feminism. Being a woman in America can be a daily stressor. America, from its inception, has been a sexist and patriarchal country. Forget the standard pressures of balancing school, work, and your personal life. The mere fact you have two X chromosomes means you are subject to certain unnecessary stressors, such as harassment and hyper-sexualization.

From the time a girl is born, society puts limits on her in terms of what she can or cannot do according to her gender. While little boys are encouraged to be wild and explorative, little girls are told to sit and play. And while the little girls are sitting and playing nice, today’s media bombards them with constant images of the “perfect” body, usually in a tight and/or barely-there outfit to highlight every physical asset possible. Little girls learn quickly that much of their worth is determined by their dress size, bra size, and how they rank on the pretty scale of 1 to 10. By the time they reach adolescence the double standard for women has been reinforced, and every day is a constant reminder of their inferiority to men.

When I was in middle school, I remember wanting to join the basketball team at my small private school. I was tall for my age, over 5 feet, when most students my age (boys included) were only 4 foot-something. Unfortunately, instead of being allowed to try out for the basketball team, I was told basketball was for boys and I should join the cheerleading team.

When I was in high school, I remember the day I went to career counseling. I told my guidance counselor I wanted to be an engineer or astrophysicist working at NASA. Her response was, “Ok, but let’s look at other options as well because those aren’t fields women typically do well in.”

When I was in college, I was raped. Like most victims of sexual assault, I did not report it – not to the police or my parents. I knew the system was against me as a woman and I did not want to be humiliated or shamed. Unfortunately in America, when a woman says she is a victim of sexual assault, she is questioned. What did you do? Are you sure? How was it rape if you didn’t fight back? Women are blamed by men and other women for what they were wearing, where they were going, etc., for an action she did not ask for or consent to. When women blame other women for their rape(s); or as in my case end up dating your rapist on top of calling you a liar; it is especially painful.

When I was in my mid-twenties I was working on the corporate side of healthcare. I remember trying to offer ideas in business meetings, but apparently, no one heard me. I decided to assert myself even more as I had seen my male counterparts do. However, when I took that initiative I was labeled as too loud and bossy, and when I complained about the unfair labels I was told I was too emotional. I remember many of my ideas being shot down only to be later suggested as my boss’ original thoughts. 

Now I am over thirty and my womanhood is frequently questioned because I am unmarried with no kids. If a woman at this stage in life gives the slightest impression she enjoys sex, she fears being labeled in a negative way (i.e. she’s a “hoe”, she’s “loose,” etc.), though men are rarely labeled “hoes” for their assumed promiscuity. Whenever I do marry and decide to have kids it will be a battle to get adequate maternity leave.

Most women can relate to similar if not worse situations of sexism and unnecessary stressors during these phases of their life.

The problem with how women are viewed and treated in American society can partially be blamed on women as well. Some women help keep the negative female connotations going by condoning negative male behavior. When President Trump was campaigning and his “locker room talk” about grabbing women by the pussy was leaked, many women dismissed his negative behavior and still voted for him. Daily, I see women tear each other down rather than build each other up, and add negative rhetoric about how a woman should or should not act.

I could go on for days describing the hypocrisies and everyday nuisances of being a woman in America. However, the question I really want an answer to is when will the blame game stop, and when will men start taking responsibilities for their actions? When will men start calling out other men when they do offensive things to women? When will we truly advance from this patriarchal, chauvinistic society?

It looks like times are starting to change. I guess better late than never.