The real issue that I have with this article is the author’s insistence on enforcing gender binaries, Darwinism, and using anecdotal experiences with women to support his argument on why “Nice Guys Finish Last.” The author provides very little evidence to back his theory on why “Nice Guys Finish Last” in general. The author continually exploits the women in his life as weak and confused beings that are intrinsically drawn to men or masculinity, and by not choosing others, are therefore examples of how “Nice Guys Finish Last.”
Another, even more problematic aspect of this article is that the author assumes that the sexual relationships these women partook in were consensual, when he has no right to speak on their behalf. He flip-flops between blaming women for their own sexual objectification or assault by way of Darwinism, but then preaches support and love for these same women. He admits…
“I’m not victim blaming, I’m not excusing any men for their behavior, and I’m not taking an inch away from the #MeToo movement that is so sorely needed to advance our species forward. BUT I am asking that for every father that must educate his son on how to properly treat another woman (or man), there must also be a mother who teaches her daughter how to properly treat or react to another man (or woman) such that the wrong behavior is not accepted or tolerated.”
This quote is a transparent example of his lack of understanding of these complex issues, his trans exclusionary rhetoric, and his belief that there are only two genders, woman or man. At the end of his article, he is asking women and “mothers” to be more proactive in endorsing “better men.” In essence, this strikes me as utterly hypocritical. This particular man is claiming that because he is a “nice” heterosexual, cisgendered man that he should be rewarded for treating women with respect. Overall, I believe that his argument is incredibly flawed and feels defensive. If this man truly cared about the women in his life, he would take responsibility and lift up these women’s voices instead of asking them to fix the oppressive systems that they did not construct.
I think at the end of the day his own misogynistic ideology, lack of responsibility for his own actions, and complete lack of understanding for what the #MeToo movement serves to address, makes his understanding of women and what embodies respect, subpar.
(No Claps Yet)
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Thank you; this is all that needed to be said. No one gives a flying flu what the married with a beautiful wife or the still single, still nice guys have to say.
I wrote the article. I appreciate your response as I only write my articles to challenge others (including myself) to consider their positions.
I think the context of my article should be taken as: “#metoo wants men to behave in a certain way (and I agree with them). Here’s a man’s perspective on how to achieve that.”
Having said that, I’ll respond to you point by point:
1. I didn’t insist on anything. I hope you recognize your use of damning rhetoric from the get go. Using words like “insistence” is akin to men calling women “hysterical.” It’s antagonizing from the start. Was that your intention?
2. You are correct, I only recognize biological gender: male/female. That’s not the point of this article. We can have another discussion about multiple genders which is not universally accepted in colloquial writing beyond Liberal universities and regions of the country. I am personally pro-LGBTQ as can be, but I think it’s dangerous to let gender be a discussion about feeling when there are biological components to it (chromosomes).
3. What is your issue with Darwin? Why is it a problem that I see human behavior in this context?
4. I don’t understand why you have a problem with me using anecdotal evidence – this is an opinion piece. My offering here isn’t infallible fact, it’s a perspective.
5. “Nice Guys Finish Last” is not an argument so much as an idea. It can’t be an argument because it can never be proven to be true. Also, what is a nice guy? I’m trying to say it’s “the guy the #metoo movement wants all guys to be.” I don’t know *exactly* what that is, but for the sake of letting me make my argument, let’s assume that the guy in this story (young me) was a good guy.
6. I never said these women were weak. Darwinistically speaking, they were strong (I admired them) and they sought strength. At least, I thought they sought strength over polity and Wit. (And once again, for the sake of helping me make my argument – and why wouldn’t you unless you had some kind of bias? – let’s say they did).
7. I communicated with all the women and unless they lied to me, I believe I stated in the article that some were consensual and some not. But that’s not my point (and also, you are just as unqualified to speak for them… they are essentially hypothetical to you which is why it’s strange you want to assign them different motives than what I have presented to discredit my article).
8. You say it is a “transparent lack of understanding” I exhibit. How? You quote me and seem to say: “This guy just doesn’t get it, isn’t it obvious?” I don’t actually understand what your position is here.
9. “Trans exclusionary rhetoric.” Trans people are still adhering to binary ideas of gender. I only see biological evidence of gender although I will absolutely recognize and respect someone’s desire to be referred to as a man or a woman (whichever they choose). But I’m sorry, I’m not there yet with non-binary gender. Otherwise, we could technically have 7,000,000,000 gender specific pronouns and they could all change daily depending on how we all feel. Once again, this is completely off the rails from the points made in my article (and again seems like an attempt to slander me as someone who “doesn’t get it” in regards to neo-liberalism and this not creditable).
10. I’m not claiming I should be rewarded (although I was, which did finally vindicate my decisions to NEVER be the “bad guy” that #metoo opposes). I’m claiming that behavior that IS rewarded has no reason to change so I’m asking women to help do their part in the movement. You can see this as an attack or victim blaming. It is not. I demand personal accountability from myself and everyone in making the world a better place. If you are saying there is no chance that women have erred or that women bear any responsibility, I think you are making a mistake.
11. If women’s behavior can be excused because of a corrupt system, why can’t men’s?
12. Finally, I will not attack you personally even as you had no problem doing that to me, but I have to ask you: why is your rhetoric so incendiary? You say I am a hypocrite, but you seem to discredit and defame me on account of my own perspective. Isn’t that antithetical to the #metoo movement?
(And Brianna proves the point here. She’s willing to disparage me without even knowing me after you have so eloquently torn me apart for speaking my truth. Brianna: I meant to speak of my own happiness with my wife as a proof that the #metoo good guy DOES have a happy ending. For you to diminish that is exactly the point: please support the guys whose behavior you want to see continue rather than rip them apart seemingly just for being a man).
Bro, Are you a victim?
Women out here are worried whether their “too tight” “too short” skirt or blossoming perfume is going to inspire a man to be rapey and you want me to worry about the “Nice” guy too. FU*# yall. I’m worried about my pu$$y, I don’t have the bandwidth to take that nonsense on too.
What exactly makes you a nice guy? Because you haven’t raped anyone? You surely raped this conversation. You tried to #metoo the #metoo converstaion. Put yourself aside for a moment, and let’s focus on what matters- rapists. instead of claiming that women perpetuate rape. You should have said NICE GUY AREN’T DOING ENOUGH: Call your bros out on their nonsense. Talk about how not calling out men on their ill actions perpetuates rape. How trying to lowkey blame the victims perpetuates rape. Let the responsibility lie there.
It sounds like you just aren’t hot stuff and you’re not hot stuff because you’re a selfish idiot, not because you’re nice. Being an awkward, selfish, idiot is what got you overlooked all of those years, and your wife probably settled.
Take the energy of those 12 points and invest it in calling trash men.
#isthisdisparging
I completely agree with Brianna. I’m gonna break a few more things down for you that you REALLY do not understand. In regard to trans issues: biological sex is classified as male, female or intersex at this point in our history. So referring to sec as a binary means that you are already unaware of how biological sex works SCIENTIFICALLY. Gender and sex are two completely DIFFERENT things. While biological sex is something that is assigned to you at birth based on your genitalia, your gender is an identity. It is how you feel on the inside, and how you would like the world to address you. Some trans people do lie within the normative gender binary while others are completely detached and fluid. Whether or not you believe this to be true is whether or not you are a transphobic person! Now onto the issue or Darwin. Historically Darwinism has been used to justify racism, misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia to name a few. Typically Darwinism does not reflect the incredibly nuanced and complex layers and cross sections that apply to people TODAY. Btw I didn’t mention this before but you also made the Me Too movement out to be a movement for heterosexual women when the me too movement incompasses every person that has dealt with the horrible, awful ramifications of sexual assault, harassment, and abuse. I don’t give an F that you THINK you are a “nice guy”, neither does Brianna, and neither do all of people saying #METOO. In my opinion, you’re selfish, uneducated about these issues, a misogynist in sheeps clothing, and finally A PART OF THE PROBLEM!!!
Sincerely,
Katie Garrison
I will consider what you are saying with enormous weight. Very glad I wrote what I did and glad you responded. Thank you.
@the original author, everyone has an opinion, but not everyone’s opinion is correct. Responding to criticism with “it’s just my opinion” is a shirk of responsibility and the resulting consequences.
Pointing out that this was an “opinion piece” is not shirking personal responsibility or hiding. I was directly addressing Katie who said I “provided little evidence on why nice guys finish last.” All I had to offer was my experience as evidence (not any kind of research or statistics).
I have no problem offering up my experience and opinions to be scrutinized and even attacked if it helps anyone come closer to a greater and truer understanding of the issue.
I have never said I am 100% right, but I can definitely say that I have felt the things I have written about and stand by them. I can’t control the outrage and offense taken by others by my article, but I can only hope that people will read what everyone has written here and somehow come to a more empathetic and effective approach to making the world a better place.
Of course I wish this didn’t include the vicious personal attacks against me and my wife, but I know that the anger is real and if it somehow helps to say those things, I can handle it. I believe in free speech – and #metoo despite any speculating to the contrary. I believe in the concept of “team of rivals” and embracing people who don’t agree with me, hopefully finding out why.
I have read and absorbed everything written here and I am better for it.
@Author, I’m sorry if you and your wife felt attacked. I was angry and perplexed. Should have and could have used my words better. It is a personal mission of mine to be more diplomatic and I acknowledge that I wasn’t. I also acknowledge that this was the most useful conversation I’ve had this year. It learned a lot here, most notably, how to and how not to “attack” conversations. Thank you for engaging with me.
-Bri
i had to hold onto my seat. I tell you one thing: I sho’ don’t want to be “Author of Article,” but as long as everyone walked away as better people.
Now, Miss Brianna LOL!
I’m in my 60s and I’ve never been raped but I can tell you sticking with the nice guy kept me safe and we’re still married.
I’m just here for the comments. i’ve always imagined HBCUs to be like this comments section.